Your name is the first name on my lips
Little post it notes left by in a foreign country
I open drawers and there they are
Tiny messages that speak volumes
I open books and your handwritting brings memories i try to supress
I try to smile but through it all i felt alone
You were the one holding my hand in the dark

I thought of you as my shelter
I thought of you as my soulmate
I thought of you aa my confidant
I thought if you as my best friend

The dust seeps through my hair on a cold windy night in eygpt, my boyfriend keeps calling me senslessly. I put my hands in my pockets to keep warm in the crowded streets and hold on to your note crumpled up between my fingers.

I loved you as a friend
I loved you as my soulmate
I loved you for you
For everything that you are

I shattered you
I admit
I broke you 
I confess

You hated me
I know
You loathed me
I sensed it
You shut me out
I noticed

Secretly both me and you knew
Secretly we moved on
Secretly in pain
Secretly in love

15 years ago i loved you not knowing
15 years ago i wanted you not revealing
15 years ago i dreamt of today
15 years ago and you are still here to stay.

Your name is the first name on my lips.
Mourciti

This place is my safe zone
This space is obscure
This place is here
This space is there

I thought i had a gift
I thought i can create
I thought i was above it
I thought i can relate 

It turned out to b a dream, just like a twist of fate. My hands, my mind and my heart just bled at the false imagery i laid. 

Doubting
Sneering
Stepping away.

Just for now
I want this blank space. 

I delete what i write, it's becoming a habit of mine. I write chapters and chapters. I reveal my deepest thoughts, i hang out my deepest fears. My emotions, my desires, my eveything i pour out. I'm strung out tighter than the chords on your guitars. As my aching fingers rest, i read out all my thoughts at best. I am revealed, peeled out and broken. I am ashamed, embarassed and stolen. I start to delete and deep down i know, that once they vanish you'll never know. The deepest secrets inside of me, screaming and aching waiting to b set free. 

A hidden gem inside of me
Staggered
Rough
Raw
Animalistic

A buffed up 
Clean
Crystal
Composed
A diamond for everyone's view

I am the charcoal waiting to b clean
I am the lead that sketches your dream
I am the rope that winds you to knots
I am the knife that slits all your thoughts

You are the muse that drives me insane
You are the hands that meddle with my brain
You are the sculpture that makes me
You are the artist that will break me

Someday
One day
Or iF never
Awake 
Dreaming
Forever
Never

"Mais tu as des cheveux couleur d’or. Alors ce sera merveilleux quand tu m’auras apprivoisé ! Le blé, qui est doré, me fera souvenir de toi."

je ne peux pas vivre sans toi
tu es le vent qui souffle dans mes cheveux
tu es le sang qui court dans mon corps
je ne peux pas vivre sans toi
tu es mon univers secret
tu es la raison pour laquelle je souris
je ne peux pas vivre sans toi
tu es incomparable
tu es ma force
tu es invencible
tu es mon amour 
tu resteras pour toujours.
il ya des jours où tu doutais
il ya des nuits que tu ne savais
que je ne comprend pas qu'un jour je serais sans toi
tu ne sais pas que cette jour là la vie s'arrêtera 
le vent ne souffle plus
je ne serai plus moi
je ne peux pas vivre sans toi
je me perds dans tes yeux
je me perds dans tes baiser
je ne suis plus moi-même
je ne peux pas vivre sans toi
trouve moi
vite.

the face

the eyes

the mouth

the person

the vision

the truth

iF you were made of dust, dust that floats and scatters by a simple blow of wind. 

imagine wat it would feel like iF you were kissed. a simple kiss will make you feel grounded. you will feel stuck, you will feel like floating and flying soaring higher than you ever imagined, but suddenly you are weighed down by your emotions, anchored down by your own denied urges. the lightness that was once there, stealing a glance, lingering for a laugh, or staying for a touch is turned upside down and inside out.

now the seams that have once sewn you together like a perfect cozy quilt is quickly falling undone. you feel the breeze that is left behind by this disheveling. you sense the loss of warmth and security. your cover is blown, threads are everywhere, dangling from trees, looping around your ankles, staggering your breathing, wrapped so tightly around your neck, blended so colourfully with your hair. 

you are made of dust. 

you are free. 

you are made of dust waiting to be kissed by me.

i can make you ugly. 

i can make you grey.

i can change your dust.

i can make u stay.

just one kiss and you'll know

just one kiss i tell you so

something you will never outgrow

a rare side i will never show.

but somehow deep down as you revel in this thought

your ID is stirred beyond remorse

it craves to consume

it longs to conquer 

it wants to search 

it wants to be kissed

your ID will never find me

your ID will never seek 

your dust became mud

your consumed

your conquered

you've been found.

just one kiss

just once

devoured

tasted

poisoned

tainted

i gave you one kiss

one kiss

and you

you gave me your heart.

i'm cutting you lose
i'm letting you get out of my system
it's a rocky road but it had to happen
a fantasy gone overboard
a memory on overkill
too long
it was bound to fade
i'm like driftwood floating on a lazy river
ur the hurricane that left chaos

i'm cutting you lose
i'm sending you away
you're bitter sweet memory will soon fade away

i'm cutting you lose
now go away
never figured out
but somehow i knew you would never stay

i woke up with a thought.
i woke up with a dream.
i woke up writting this :

happy
witty
glowing
alive

gloomy
dark
void
dead

the angel and devil in one mind
they struggle, they fight, they try to kill each other.
they r never defeated.
indestructible, yet inhabitable.

cease!
my mind screams voicelessly.
be at peace.
but all i get is a smirk. i stand outside looking at the morning sun feeling a cool breeze on my face. my angel glorifies it's existence and praises the beauty of the surroundings. my devil laughs and throws a fit about taking advantage of this weather to go run away. never look back. it's the perfect weather to fly he whispers and i feel his breath flame hot on my ear.

i shiver.

my angel sees love, my devil seeks lust.
my angel feels satisfied, my devil longs for instant gratification.
my angel wants to embrace, my devil wants to fck

cease!

i look around and my mind is numb from all the bickering. all this battle only takes a fraction of a second in real life, but it my mind it is eternity.

i am not good yet i am not evil.

all i am is a woman standing in the morning breeze enjoying the dancing sun rays on my face.

wish i got a jacket.

" Rummaging through our souls, we often dig up something that ought to have lain there unnoticed "

~ LEO TOLSTOY ~

all i seem to write about r my memories. they consume me. they make me feel alive, they make me feel whole.
wat iF today i woke up with none.
wat iF u hit the reset button and poof it's gone

i want no memories
i want no past
i want no u
i want no us

starting blank
blank

no recall
nothing but emptiness
void

void and echoes
hello
welcome to the new world
u r free to create ur new memories
u r free to shift, move place and plug
u r free to delete, correct and spellcheck
u r free to cry laugh and love

but wat would u do
would u start new
would u scratch the past
would u never look back

those memories created u
those memories fullfilled u
those memories satisfied u

so now as u look ahead thinking of all ur new possibilities u just created.
how do u feel

i feel empty.

i hear u. a whiff of coffee. i smell u.
sensory overload. memory in reverse.
close ur eyes.
shut out the light.
shut out the noise.
shut out reality.
shut out ur life.

i hear u.
i smell u.
i time travel.

close ur eyes
i am u and u r me
and we r both together.

open ur eyes.
i am me
u r u
and we r not together.

someday.
oneday.
never.

We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.

~ JIM MORISSON~

i come around again. all the same. memories, memories.. memoires.
in my mind i keep looping around u. in my mind i hover to u like a moth to the light. in my mind. only in my mind. memories that never seem to fade, memories that always feel the same. the wat iFs, the might, the someday, the fright. the waiting. the anticipation. the not now, maybe another day.
maybe.
wat iF.
someday.
soon.
in the meantime. sigh. in my mind.
always
in my mind.
the light.
the fright.
the change.
the why.

changes. change. changed.
a breath of fresh air
some roads to be discovered
no u turns no red lights
just me, you, & him
just us
hit the pedal
hands on the wheel
zooming off
here we go
let's begin
let's rebuild
off to nowhere
here to stay.

my mind stopped thinking in rhymes. i've changed. finally. is it a good thing or a bad thing i will not know. the usual me will make another witty line and end it with " time will only show".
not today.
this is it. plain. simple. me.
no hiding behind fancy words. no talking in pompous rhymes. no searching for meaningless cliché quotes. if u have to say a feeling or express emotions, do it in ur own words. if u have a nice pix to illustrate use a pencil. if u have a picture u must share take it with ur own hand. if u have a word to state state it with ur own mouth. if u have a breath to share, share it with ur own soul.
u r ur own enemy
u r ur own friend
u will walk with a crowd but u r the one doing the walking
u will b with someone but u will be the one to chose to b lonely
life revolves around ur actions
embrace them
love them
accept them.

be naked.
be completely naked.