my mind stopped thinking in rhymes. i've changed. finally. is it a good thing or a bad thing i will not know. the usual me will make another witty line and end it with " time will only show".
not today.
this is it. plain. simple. me.
no hiding behind fancy words. no talking in pompous rhymes. no searching for meaningless cliché quotes. if u have to say a feeling or express emotions, do it in ur own words. if u have a nice pix to illustrate use a pencil. if u have a picture u must share take it with ur own hand. if u have a word to state state it with ur own mouth. if u have a breath to share, share it with ur own soul.
u r ur own enemy
u r ur own friend
u will walk with a crowd but u r the one doing the walking
u will b with someone but u will be the one to chose to b lonely
life revolves around ur actions
embrace them
love them
accept them.

be naked.
be completely naked.

today i write as an outsider
today i live as a hermit
today i strive for reflections
today i embrace my imperfections
today i don't know wat tomorrow brings me

coz

yesterday brought me nothing but sorrow
yesterday brought me nothing but vain
yesterday brought me blindness
yesterday brought me chaos

but

now i feel no pain
now i feel no vain
now i feel no restrain
now i live as me
now i live as u
now i think of u
now i long for u
now i write for u
now i am with u
in my mind
in my heart
in my soul
in me
till eternity.

hiding is wat u do best
accusing is ur strength
blaming is ur game
hypocrisy is ur name.

i try to listen but all i hear
are summed up lies with a bit of a sneer.
it is ur destiny
it is ur fate
it is ur choice
but i now know that it is too late.

the train has passed
the driver is shot
the streets are empty
the roads are blocked.

so
say no more
u lost the game

say no more
ur words sound lame

say no more
hide away in fear

say no more
please stop it dear.

[kree-ey-tiv-i-tee, kree-uh-]
well said.
misused
abused
flaunted
gravitational
the list goes on
the definitions overwhelm
the ego inflates.
it has lost all purpose
it has vanquished all originality
please cease this runway
enough with the oh so cool
enough with the oh so artsy
enough with the oh so unique
enough with the oh look i copied u but changed the colours
enough with the oh so yeah mine is better
enough imitating
humanity u just lost the meaning of the word creative.
RIP creativity.

ant. ant. ant.
a colony of ants. strumming down the lines.
searching.
running.
organizing.
providing.
working.
ants. ants. ants.
never alone but always independent.
always prepared for the next step.
waiting for that piece to crumble to start a new hunt.
a crumbling piece
an army awaits
the cycle begins
the cycle never ends.
ant. ant. ant.
today.
tomorrow.
yesterday i became an ant.

it itches
it burns
my finger twitches and turns
the urge is back
the flame is here

two years have passed
two feet have grown
two hands have shown
two beings have merged
into something so beautiful they call
"their own"

just stand right there
just c him now
just watch him ride
just c him shine
the little boy i call my pride.

i found myself looping in the same place.
i am back at the park but this time i felt the distance
i felt the vastness of it all.
how could i have been so blind.
i could not get it out of my mind the park leads to many directions.
iF only i had figured out all my intentions.
it could take u to the forest where all is green and serene
it could take u to the desert where ur alone & never feel at home
it could take u to the city where all is pretty & u feel shitty
it could take u home where ur one with urself & with everyone else
i decided that day, i will not stay
iF leaving it all behind could give me this peace of mind
iF living it all meant nothing at all
iF choosing meant exploring
then it was up to me to set myself free.

i stand my ground
i turn around
around
around
stop
dizziness
i run thru the first path i c
i run thru the forest whiplashed by roses and thorns
i turn around
around
around
i stumble to the desert parched, thirsty for ur company
i turn around
around
around
i drive thru the city losing my serenity
i turn around
around
around
i crawl home by ur side happy i made it on time
i stop and breathe
i loop no more
i found the door
i found the path
i found myself

a walk in the park
a simple park
a simple walk

i walked in the park and i found u.

nothing
nothing at all.

the urge has left
the train has departed
the itch is gone
the mind is cured

for now
i accept
for now
i wont regret

at peace
at ease

for now
nothing at all.

this is how it all starts,
a toned
stoned
brewed
stewed chord.

jammed, packed,
gathered around,
grasping, holding,
stitched together by the threads of our own being,
patch-worked into the whatevers
never forgetting the nevers.

i watch u come thru,
i anticipate the next breakthru,
always eager
always deeper
till we meet again
still.

07 /08/ 2009 Os place, beit meri

i
rarely pause
sometimes rewind
often fast forward

i
always expect
never neglect
momentarily forget

i
crash and burn
tumble and churn
live and learn

But today
i
ran out of luck
ran out of options
ran out of hope
ran out of the wat-iFs

i'm running
yet
i
seem to be halted to an eminent STOP.

an empty vessel
void, echoless.
i lost my clown makeup
the circus has left town
taking with it everything shiny
bright and new
dressing me in colors of the same hue of blue
i can fake it no more
acceptance has run out the door
so tired and strained
drained and pained
i seemed to have fallen and cant get up
at least i used to try
now i dont have the will to even fly
i wont run
i wont play
i wont stay
i cant smile
i cant try
the circus has left town
i am forsaken.

2191.45319 days

the luckiest i can be
knowing u will always stand by me
thru richer thru poorer
thru sadness thru happiness
thru health thru sickness
we've been thru it all
we've broken each others wall
i feel as if it was yesterday
the day u took my breath away
we've been thru life's earthquakes
we've been thru its sandstorms
we've been thru it's beauty
we've held hands thru it all
we've mixed our love
we've mixed our passion
we've mixed our hopes
we mixed our fears
we've mixed our dreams
we created an outcome that will put cupid angels to their knees.
i screamed it out
i scream it out still
i carve it
i post it
i paint it
i mold it
yesterday
today
tomorrow
forever mourciti

iF we can wake up one day
say everything we want to say
iF we can demonstrate
iF we never retaliate
iF we dry out our fate
iF we knew it is too late
would we change our state?
i pondered this thought
i mixed it
i twisted it
i drank it
i breathed it
i realized
i changed
i revolted
i summoned my ids
i paid my bids
started new
stood in the queue
waiting for my turn to come
i will no longer run.
starting to feel like myself again
looking sideways
sideways
sideways
forward one day
but not today.

i woke up the other day wanting to have a pet bird
i visualized the color, yellow bright feathers
it's hues burnt my third eye
i swayed to it's sweet melody
as i danced my way to ecstasy
i laughed to myself as i taught it a few tricks
i cleaned its home daily with a smile on my face
that's wat i would do iF only i had that bird.


i wanted a bird
i wanted a yellow bird

my smile soon turned to sorrow
my mood changed from bight yellow
to a sombre shade of grey
wat more can i say
the bird
the dream
the wanting
turned into
the selfishness
the imprisonment
like cards in a storm
like a bird given it's freedom
my dream flew away
as much as i want it
i have to set it free
as GOD intended it to be

now i look at the birds outside my window
place a cup of water and some seeds
watch them fly free
wishing that someday it would be me

i wanted a bird
i wanted a yellow bird
Once..

"All men are enemies. All animals are comrades." - George Orwell, Animal Farm.
Little did i notice that this had impacted my perception of people
never noticed it until recently.
all i do is mold my loved into animals
i look at u & all i can grasp in is wat kind of beast would u b
i take in ur personality, ur traits, ur hidden face
then i go and create, mold, paint, come up with ur alter state
a hobby became an obsession
until one day i was asked to mold my own family
days and nights were spent thinking of the perfect match
stick figure legs, fragile, elegant, adored, picky
my dad the bird
precious, free, gives in abundance, beautiful
my mum the fish
clumsy yet strikingly elegant, fuzzy with emotions
my big sister the penguin
social yet cocooned at will, slow yet faster than all
my brother the turtle
fuzzy, cozy, lovable yet can claw ur eyes out
my little sister the cat
buzzing, fast, productive, loyal, would die if he ever stung u
my brother in law the bee
majestic in every aspect
this sums up my love the german shepherd
as for me well it didnt take me long to figure it out
i am an ostrich no doubt in that
iF by any chance u received a beast from me
know that i gave u a part of me for eternity
my comrades
my loved ones
my life.

i know the first rule
i know the only rule
i fight
i come back
i kiss
i make up
i argue
i shout
i loath
i fear
i fight again
i curse the lady in the corner
i spit on the junkie with the boner
i gnarl at the man from japan
i choke the little fragile girl
every night
i fight & fight
soundlessly
hopelessly
aimlessly
anonymously in my head
trying to eliminate all the noises
all the quarrels
all the wat iFs
i fight them all to sleep
i am an avid member
i am dedicated to the club
i am the protagonist of my own mind
i know the rule
i trust the system
i fight the spite
i sleep
every night is my first night
so i have to fight.

standing alone sucked in by the gravity of ur own being. motionless.
lifeless. emotionless.
lost. drained. i had a dream about u. i sensed the pain u were in.
the agony of life's doing.
iF only i had wings. i could have lifted u up and placed u away from here.
i could have protected u from all ur thoughts.
iF only.
the streets r chaotic, the carnival has commenced. masks. makeup. beasts.
fireworks. i try to find u but u r gone. lost in the crowd of despair.
blending in with everyone else. camouflaged and i cant c u.
thru the mist of emotions and declarations.
i find u there. alone. fragile.
lost.
i shake u.
i shake u.
i wake u.
i push u towards the edge of reason. i run with u to the lake.
i try to show u the side that life made u take.
ur reflection seemed anonymous.
the stranger staring back at me thru the lake was taking it's toll
on ur fragile being. were is the artist that i know.
where is the free spirit that i loved.
where is the rebel that everyone sought after.
where is the true u.
it was replaced by the dull colors of society,
the monotonous singing of the sirens. u were gone.
gradually.
slowly.
u walk into the lake. ur soul stains the water amazing colors.
images. poetry. wine. ur creativity will taint every soul who drinks from it.
it is intoxicating. u wake up from this haze.
ur back. born again. colourful. emotional. hopeful.
ur free spirit roams over the fields.
ur free soul breaks all the shields.
fly free my dear friend.
soar wherever ur heart desires.
let go of all the restrictions.
never lose ur way again.
remember that living is easy with eyes closed.
remember that home is inside u.
make ur soul ur own place.
never stop ur pace
never wipe the smile off ur face.

perfect scenario for the tenants in my head
they have been arguing non stop lately
they have been reciting poetry all day
they have been crash testing cars and bikes
they have been building walls and halls
they have been crying about their pains
they have been demonstrating in vain
they have no clue of wat i will do
the plan is laid out
the spoons have been polished
the perfect plan
the end of their reign
overdosing on ice-cream
my brain will freeze
the chaos will cease
P.I.C* will bring them to their knees
*project ice cream

standing alone sucked in by the gravity of ur own being. motionless.
lifeless. emotionless.
lost. drained. i had a dream about u. i sensed the pain u were in.
the agony of life's doing.
iF only i had wings. i could have lifted u up and placed u away from here.
i could have protected u from all ur thoughts.
iF only.
the streets r chaotic, the carnival has commenced. masks. makeup. beasts.
fireworks. i try to find u but u r gone. lost in the crowd of despair.
blending in with everyone else. camouflaged and i cant c u.
thru the mist of emotions and declarations.
i find u there. alone. fragile.
lost.
i shake u.
i shake u.
i wake u.
i push u towards the edge of reason. i run with u to the lake.
i try to show u the side that life made u take.
ur reflection seemed anonymous.
the stranger staring back at me thru the lake was taking it's toll
on ur fragile being. were is the artist that i know.
where is the free spirit that i loved.
where is the rebel that everyone sought after.
where is the true u.
it was replaced by the dull colors of society,
the monotonous singing of the sirens. u were gone.
gradually.
slowly.
u walk into the lake. ur soul stains the water amazing colors.
images. poetry. wine. ur creativity will taint every soul who drinks from it.
it is intoxicating. u wake up from this haze.
ur back. born again. colourful. emotional. hopeful.
ur free spirit roams over the fields.
ur free soul breaks all the shields.
fly free my dear friend.
soar wherever ur heart desires.
let go of all the restrictions.
never lose ur way again.
remember that living is easy with eyes closed.
remember that home is inside u.
make ur soul ur own place.
never stop ur pace
never wipe the smile off ur face.

i am whiplashed back into reality.
this awakens my senses but the aftermath keeps me dazed for days.
deciding to give reality a second chance, i get back on my feet.
ready. prepared. bracing myself for the next step.
redundantly.
queasy, i stumble to be steady.
i feel lightheaded, echoless.
cornered into a void.
hopes bruised, i crawl by ur side.
u calm my senses.
u shield me.
u fill me up.
u soothe my chaos.
u salvage the wreckage.
u hold my hand.
u walk beside me.
surrounding me with ur thoughts.
protecting me with ur love.
i am ready to try again.
possibly.. maybe.. absolutely.

shallow as ur deepest thought
chaotic like ur organized world
i fiddle through the remains of my shoebox.
rubberbands. pencils. papers. ants.
i smile.
i found it.
to whom it may concern.
if u r reading this now this means i am dead ...
the letter continued to describe in details wat should i be wearing.
wat music should be played. wat flowers to be placed.
wat color should be inside my little space.
it continued to thank all the people that i loved and who loved me back.
claiming that i have no possesions of my own that are of any value.
shouting out to the world that i only have my love to leave u with.
i demanded no tears yet welcomed any kind of beer.
i signed it off bidding u goodbye hoping that one day we will meet in the sky.
i fold down the papers. brush off the ants.
cracking up with laughter.
i hide it again.
if u find it
play the game and do the same.

fragile. whimsical. sensitive. childish. choatic. spoiled. gullible.
accessories that i wear for everyone outside my circle to share
i play dumb
i play naive
i play dead
i play with ur perceptions
i make u feel smarter
i make u feel wiser
i make u feel clever
i make u feel proud
i make u feel greedier
i make u fit in with all the rest
u mold me into wat matters
u shatter me into watevers
u glue me from dust
u satisfy ur lust
u enjoy ur seven sins

but u have no clue
that watever u try to do
my circle will not let u thru
the only place where i can be
without a trace of any accessory

read between the lines
scrutinize the letters
dust off the words
connect the dots
unlock the verbs
understand the trail
or simply
brush off the hints
set aside the meanings
scan thru the notes
ignore the essence
disregard its presence

my cheeks hurt
my teeth are cold and exposed
my eyes are squinting till it hurts
my spirit is flying higher than a kite
my black and white world is tinted with hints of lavender, yellow and pink
my smile is more contagious than u think
i look at you and notice the change
ur cheeks hurt too
and u r no longer out of range
we mirror our mood
our love is tattooed

forever together
nothing sounds much better

i have a love hate relationship with u
just a simple look and u burn me
i sizzle as i stay longer by ur side
melting my braincells away
just a peck sends me running with specks
ur touch wraps me like a pink blanket
ur heat warms me like hot chocolate
i am ur marshmallow
u r my fire
if only i could have my one desire
a small kiss that will send my melanin to delirium
a small blush is all i get as i burn like helium
a ton of freckles is all i am covered with
if only someone can unravel this myth
the sun
my melanin
will never be one
i sizzle
i burn
i freckle
i learn
i love
i hate
i accept my fate.

do u ever wonder if ever there was a purpose?
do u ever think that u r given a reason?
do u imagine it to be any different?
these questions and more are preparing for battle in the minefields of my mind.
for wat it's worth every question is armored with probabilities,
possibilities,
negativities
positivities.
they backfire, they elude, they fade out unheard.
strategies are being planned words are being tortured, answers are in pursuit.
all seeking the same thing, they twist and capitalize they scramble, they erase,
they try to form a different race. the questions retire in the back of my mind,
after a long wordy war, exhausted, weary and tired the questions surrender.
no answer found.
they strive to hold on to their positions as they try all sorts of inquisitions.
they are thrown into the rhetorical cells.
confined into the solitary state forever.
the answers now would never be found.
all the questions have thrown their letters to the ground.
the rhetorical state rules over my mind.
questions in solitary are planning the next escape
anarchy will soon prevail
answers will come forth
meanings will surrender
possibly. maybe. rhetorically.

again i stop to look around.
masks.
makeup.
false teeth.
smiles.
hugs & kisses.
they are scattered around forming the grass on the ground.
filling up the space, suffocating the peacefulness that once existed.
fogging up the clean spirits, clouding up the perceptions,
painting on all the perfections.
they spread like cancer to the soul,
they update, upgrade, split and divide, skip and multiply.
they roam the streets looking for their mirrored soul,
they huddle as they r herded thru the passage of life's mixer.
they blend in as they are being poured into the glass of cheap bitter wine,
tasting of plastic with a hint of pity.
we seek to be different,
we seek to be bold,
we claim the past,
we aim to change,
we stand together,
we broke the mirror,
we change our pace,
we plan, we apply,
we rebel,
we revolt,
we form our own.
our determinism melts out the plastic.
our individualism speaks for itself.
i am me.
you r you.

my colorful imagination of black and white plays havoc with my mind.
monochrome is how it should be.
leaves blown by the breeze twist around my feet in slow motion.
i am standing still for the first time in fear that this moment will slide away
from my fingers. it is so calm. it is so placid. i want this to last forever.
i hold my breath. i am at the playground again. always at the playground.
always autumn. my seasons never seem to change. change. please change.
the breeze never seems to stop. trees bearing pictures of the people i know,
the people i love, the people i will meet someday. i am happy. i am peaceful.
i feel faint. i remember i should breathe. breathe. i breathed slowly avoiding
any sudden movements. it was too late.
pictures flew around like mislead angry birds.
the leaves once peaceful around my feet twisted and turned like a mad hurricane
throwing me up into the realms of reality. the monochrome world was sucked
in me and all i released were bursts of colors that stained my imagination,
colored the trees and filled up my sky. the pace shifted.
fast.
faster.
faster than i can follow.
i am made into tumble weed growing bigger with every turn,
dragging with me everything, dragging with me nothing.
roaming aimlessly.
iF only i had stayed still.
iF only i had not breathed.
iF only i kept the colors to myself.
only iF.

approval. praise.
compliments. glorification.
u strive for them
u glow with each word
u grow with each boost
u live for it
once dormant u seek to revive it
u resurrect it for a while
u force it upon the public
without it u r nothing
without it u feel empty
with or without it
u remain the same
u r the only person to blame
u disregard the love
u throw away ur confidence
u find it in the eyes of strangers
in the words of the anonymous
iF only u knew that the praise u seek
came from somewhere really deep
iF only u knew that this somewhere was in u
claim ur confidence
ignore opinions
be emotionally naked
no harm in showing that u care
knowing that ur emotions where always there
seek flattery no more
throw ur ego out the door
search for the love that is there for u
be urself
be satisfied
be contempt
be an individual
with or without approval
at the end of the day
people will always play
the same game that u play everyday.
kill society
resurrect individuality.

strings wrapped around necks sway with the rhythm of ur fingers
hollow bodies curve to the shape of ur hand
ebony and ivory fret as they hear the beat of ur soul
mother of pearl embellish the surroundings
the smell of cherry, mahogany, birch and cedar intoxicate ur mind
i watch u create
i adapt to ur state
u chose ur pick
u play ur song
u resonate ur love
u amaze me
my luthier.

it's been like this for a year now
i dream of u and u appear
always in black always intact
never speaking to me but always leading me
notes
pictures
dates
paths
never knowing u
i blindly follow
u called me and i replied
my prayers will never be denied
i trust ur answers r perfectly timed
i walked thru ur garden
i followed ur voice
there u lay as if by choice
blinded by my devotion
bound by my emotion
exhale
inhale
i breathe ur essence
u fill me
u lift me
u cradle me
exhale
inhale
breathe
it was by divine choice
that i heard ur voice
now i know u
now i wait for u
anticipate meeting u
my angel
my guardian
my saint.

i would never watch that video by myself
i would never admit it to anyone else
i used to gather a crowd to c it
i would kick and scream so they know i really mean it
i would watch it over and over
thrilled by this new video clip notion
tried to figure out the mechanics behind it
squeezed all the pieces in my head to fit
marveled at the ease of motion
mesmerized and struck by emotion
we wore out our best socks causing such commotion
my siblings and i would imitated the great
we tried to keep our moves so up to date
moonwalking in our kitchen was such a parade
i would beg and plead
spent my days and nights on my knees
a red leather jacket was all i wished for
iF i had the glittery glove i wouldn't ask for more
i learnt the ABC and knew it was as easy as counting the 123
it thrilled me to dance to the sounds of his rock
he lived monochromatically
changing face and pace so dramatically
he was dangerous, bad, invincible
he will live on for all eternity
he was history
Michael Jackson ... definitely

imagination.
it makes
it breaks
it lifts
it twists
it decides
it builds dreams
it rides extremes
it feeds ambition
it bleeds intuition
it summons love
it hinders trust
it dampens spite
it demands control
it occupies ur whole
it makes u ecstatic
it renders u static
it is urs exclusively
it opens ur closed doors
it is ur fuel
it is ur engine
it is ur future
it is ur past
it is ur present
it is ur catalyst
so simply stimulated
so easily procrastinated.

today i am indifferent
yesterday i was indifferent
in the near future i can only presume i would also be indifferent.
indifferent to everything
indifferent to nothing
indifferent to the cynicism of politics
indifferent to the idealism of the wise
indifferent to attitudes
indifferent to events
indifferent to man's pettiness
it is a choice i have made
it cured my aches
it relaxed my pace
it gave me peace
it strengthened my faith
it opened my eyes
it cleared the noise
indifference makes all the difference.

iF only u knew the effect of number 22 on everything new
iF only u stick to ur position
instead of becoming beyond recognition
iF mutation existed only in comic books
maybe then it might sound as easy as it looks
iF only 11 will take me to heaven
instead of translocating into this given
People mistake such a rarity by calling it an abnormality
with all the science and technology
no one can make us escape our reality
life awaits us in a queue
our angels form a rainbow hue
still people have no clue
that chromosomal mutation is not a taboo.

impressive. really. revealing.
unwrapping the layers of insecurities that lies deep.
clinging to the compliments as if they would mold u into something majestic.
picking other people's thoughts and parading them to the world.
shaving the surface trying to smooth out ur jagger words.
painting ur cynicism with laughter. dressing up ur hostility with silk.
u seem relaxed on ur pedestal
deep inside u squirm like a worm thinking it's a caterpillar.
enjoy this masquerade.
sum up more audience.
some will be blind.
some will take ur side.
some would never mind.
some might stroke ur ego.
some might think ur a hero.
but i will multiply u by zero.
plz.
continue.
entertain us.
will u?

Fe'ny is when u go all the way to prove a point when no one actually cares.
Fe'ny is when u call for female equality when u divide between sexes.
Fe'ny is when u claim to be open minded while u shun opposing ideas.
Fe'ny is when u care for the environment but travel on diesel.
Fe'ny is when u applaud the sayings but forget to look at the actions.
Fe'ny is when u declare war on another being but forget about the humanity.
Fe'ny is when u complain about ur country but cannot stop talking about it.
Fe'ny is when u start to diet but find urself always hungry.
Fe'ny is when u wake up from a dream and realise ur still in it.
Fe'ny is when u c an ugly portrait and realise it looks like u.
Fe'ny is when u wonder wat Fe'ny means but u knew it all the time.
Fe'ny is when u take Fe the symbol of iron and add to it ny.
Fe'ny is the look on ur face when u realise wat crap ur r reading now.
Fe'ny is when i smile knowing that i took 5 minutes of ur precious time.
Fe'ny is realizing that this word sounds a bit like funny.

you don't have to... but you should.

iF only the ozone was made of Johnson's baby shampoo.
we would have avoided all the tears.

all is calm, all is bright, all is perfect in our little snowglobe.
suddenly, life shakes us, we tremble knowing wat comes next.
everything inside is so tiny and peaceful and solid.
but it is shaken still.
twisting and turning,
our world comes tumbling over our heads lifting up all emotions,
uprooting all our senses.
slowly,
lovingly,
we get back to the peacefulness of our globe bringing back all the chaos into order again.
we live in peace now.
we dread the next tremor.
we love our little snowglobe.
we use superglue for our furntiture.

childish preconceptions about growing old is to be blamed.
me and my friend used to fantasize about the day we are 25.
that was the day we are old.
i can see our faces talking about this issue,
see our eyes glow by mentioning that at that time it will be the millennium
the world will end.
we sulked at the thought that we will b old.
we certified that our hair would be straight, as if by some magical potion
u drink on ur 25th birthday, all of a sudden maturity straightens up ur hair.
we fantasized that by that time we would definitely be married with kids on the way.
we laughed at the fact that of course we will be wearing tailored suits
with shoulder pads the size of the titanic.

that was our vision for reaching the year 2000.

it's the millennium,
still have my curly hair,
still giggling like a 5 year old,
still single,
but all dressed up in my fanciest clothes.

it's my best friend's wedding, she straightened her hair.
till this day i cant get myself to straighten my hair fearing
that once i reach that i become old.
issues i know.

now i see my spider line wrinkles crawl up the corners of my eyes.
i freak out.
at least i'm not wearing shoulder pads.
at least i have my curls.
at least i have u.
at least i still know how to count at this age.
i am 33 in 2 days

living in a theater, acting up life chapter 2009, curtains rise, action.
u pretend to care, u pretend to save the world from harm, u pretend to be idealistic,
just to fit in the role of being cool, of being different, of being branded weird.
who cares.
hiding out between ur lines, fearing the audience's rejection.
a lost soul who needs direction.
but NO.
u preach about peace and love but all u do is sulk.
u scream out to save the planet from all the harm we are inflicting,
but u continue to smoke. u claim to be insane forgetting to be humane.
yet the saddest part of all is that you believe in all this shit,
u believe that u r society's next best thing,
u thrive on the thought that u r seen as unique,
u will save the earth,
u will save the ozone,
u will save us by just sending out leaflets,
looking up to the old and wise who sold us the idea that they made a difference,
yet u blindly follow and send out their teachings.
oh how cool.
wish i could be u.
preaching to the deaf
presenting to the blind.
nothing u will do will save us from ourselves,
nothing u will do will stop the tumors,
nothing u will do will bring the unborn to life,
nothing u will do will save u.

ur scene is up.
i am a prop.
a pebble on ur beach.

no harm done.
curtains rise.
no audience.
but the show must go on.

iF stars became flowers.
iF rain became paint.
iF birds became socks.
iF men became children.
iF women became lollipops.
iF hands became wings.
iF hearts became rings.
iF life became this.
only iF.

always seem to be running, running in an endless marathon,
running towards the unknown. yet i put on my shoes,
funny i always seem to be on the go, y cant my thoughts be just simply walking,
roaming, skipping, dancing, swimming, sitting, sleeping? y am i always in a hurry.
i hate those stinky shoes. but i wont stop to change them.
think my mind had a head start, i cant seem to follow up with it,
yet again defeated in a field where i thought i would excel in.
no pit stops i follow the signs. they shout out the directions,
they point out the road, they try in vain to rearrange my chaotic mind.
ignore.
wat a soothing feeling.
my heartbeat slows down, my pace shifted.
i stand still.
the signs disappear, my mind is clear, my thoughts are just thoughts,
my shoes are just feet
my blog is just words
my words are just lines
my lines are just me
i am u as much as u r me.
my running was aimless.
my thoughts are worthless.
i am left breathless.
pit stop over.
on ur mark.
get set.
ready.

now go!

summing up the courage to spill out the contents of my soul,
it splats everywhere,
it stains the pavements,
it drips on trees,
it soaks the soil,
it colors the sky,
it blurs the rain,
it smudges frowns,
it paints ur wall.

u wake up drenched in thoughts, chocked up with emotion,
realizing u were blinded all this time.
u smile.
wat a revelation.
welcome to my world.

soaking up emotions, cleaning up thoughts, draining out cynicism.
now ur squeaky clean.
now ur happy.
now ur peaceful.
now ur satisfied.

i am still a sponge.
i am still left to drain.
i am clogged.
still.

my best friend told me i had beautiful thoughts.
beautiful thoughts.
two words.
two words that made my imagination shift to overdrive.
at that instance i could grab my imagination and mold it. it was tangible.
i molded it into sunflowers, tables, chairs, bees, oranges, clouds, rainbows,
into bubble gum...
i molded it into endless words, endless thoughts and endless smiles.
i molded it into u.
thank u.

i'm a soul.
i'm a female.
i'm a gemini.
i'm a clown.
i'm impatiently patient.
i'm infatuated.
i'm nostalgic.

i'm searching.
i'm waiting.
i'm delaying.
i'm anticipating.

i'm urs.
sometimes, always.
indefinitely.

always been like this. the rumours r true.
i have a 7 second attention spam.
i love knitting up the details of ur story in my head.
so i scan out some of the details that r of no interest to me.
talk about ur day at the beach for hours and all i hear is
"i went to the beach"
i start filling in the details that u so often forget.
u forget to mention the grainy sand hot between ur toes,
how the wind blew through ur hair,
how you swam like a fish till ur heart almost stopped...
i love those details
i visualize those details and feel the saltiness of the wind on my lips
while u were describing the obnoxiousness of the teenage group next to u.
That's all i need to make ur day amazing.
iF only u knew me.

i went to the beach.
i am at the park.
i am stuck at work.
i am with u.
i love u.

it's my birthday. i am 7.
it's midnight.
wat do u want to b when u grow up?
a one of the million questions in my recent gift.
a dr.seuss fill in the blanks book.
there was only one space to fill it up and it drove me crazy!
i didnt want to commit to one thing, maybe i didn't like that.
i grew anxious by the minute.
a doctor? no i'd rather be a nurse. nurse.
but then i like colours, an artist? i'd rather be an actor. actor.
but my sister bugged me by saying i like to help people.
so i also wrote down, helper. helper.
i'd rather be a lawyer. lawyer.
so it was decided that night i am going to be a nurse who helped people
by being a lawyer who acts.

that's what i want to be when i grow up.

i was so happy that all night long i drew till the break of dawn.
yes this is wat i want to b when i grow up.

i still have that piece of paper.
i kept it.
it was so artistic.

sanity is a funny word, it sounds like sanitation.
i lost mine a long time ago.
i didnt even know i had it, until i missed it one day and came back looking for it.
i searched through familiar faces, pictures, posters even songs..
i caught glimpses of it here and there..
but never could hold on to it to make a whole.
i slept.
dreamt.
woke up.
it found me.
now it lingers on my shoulders like a true best friend
never leaving my side
always there to remind me when to let go.
sanity?
clarity?
possibly.
thank you Alfred Korzybski

let's play a game.. close ur eyes.
forget.
rewind.
delete.
record.
Now play.
hold my hand and don't let go. now jump.
trust me.
falling is the easiest part of this game, it only takes a glance and ur there.
together we fly, we love and we live. we pass thru fields of gold, thru clouds of music,
we pass thru crowds of anger. we pass thru saviors saving up energy, recycling,
shouting out for equality. protesting all their lives but forgetting to live it.
we suddenly make a right turn and now here we are.
the protests are now quietly drifting away swallowed by the sounds of ur imagination.
i can hear u loud and clear now. it only took me a while to tune in to ur brainwaves.
it is not that easy being u. i know.
let go.
lucidity in it's ugliest forms. that's life.
Now pause.
look around.
record.
play.